The one thing I might never have

Last weekend, I was sorting through a bunch of paper stuff I’ve accumulated since I came to the US in 2004.  I found my little notebooks in one of the boxes that had a hodgepodge of cell phone numbers, notes to self, attempts at budgeting, random recipes and what-have-yous.  Going through one of the older notebooks, I found a poem I wrote, maybe around 2003 (or 2004).  Reading it again, I realized that I might be right – he is the one thing I might never have.  I intentionally posted it here today, on his birthday.

Untitled (circa 2003)

Tears threatening to cascade

   – and dampen my cheeks

But no!  I can handle this…

Or so I believe.


I thought I’m made of strong stuff

Phlegmatic, unemotional – they say

But why does your name

Cause in me a mild arrhythmia?


I have five reasons to forget you…

But it seems an internal conspiracy

Kept you a permanent fixture

In my mind.


Now, I don’t even try

Might as well keep you stuck

in those deep recesses – though it hurts

   – You’re the one thing

                     I might never







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