And I lost count…

I used to keep track the number of days before the big 3-0, but today, I didn’t have the energy to count the days. Maybe I’ll do it for the next post.  I’m lacking motivation. I need to be inspired once again, I want to be passionate about the things I know I am passionate about, but for some reason, the fire within me has dwindled and I feel discouraged.  (I don’t know if it’s just the gloomy fall weather we have been having in New England that has me down in the dumps…).

It has been a whirlwind month!  September came by so fast (and I just lost my breath thinking about it).  Fall has befallen upon us, and I haven’t had a chance to “assess” the summer goals I’ve set for myself.  It has been a crazy month as well, what with finishing up the (long overdue) manuscript and finally submitting to Journal of Virology (crossing my fingers it goes through), making sense of the thesis outline, running distances I haven’t run in a very long time (and I failed to run the 22-miler before the taper weeks of the marathon training), dealing with the day-to-day “drama” that comes with friendships and such.  I find myself gasping for breath again, just having all those things happening without me having the time to sort them out and think things through.  There’s just too much going on, I filled my plate to the brim, thinking I can manage.  But I need to prioritize.  As I have resolved earlier this month after that MassPike drive/contemplation, the PhD degree is my number one priority right now, but somehow I have been so good at procrastinating that I have wasted an entire month worrying about things to come, entertaining the distractions that life throws at me.   As for a lot of things in life, they do not always go as you plan them.  I was hoping to defend in December, apply for a policy fellowship this October,  be out of the program by spring of 2012.  These goals are now shattered, partly because of things I can’t control and partly because I had a “downer” of a conversation from someone in our lab who basically talked me into re-thinking my strategy, because “no one can write a dissertation in two months.”  I guess I was overly ambitious.  I think that person had good intentions when he/she told me that – maybe he/she was just concerned I would lose my sanity, if I did push through with the original plan.  After that conversation, it actually made sense for me to take things slow and think the whole plan over.  However, it made me feel discouraged and it has crept into my subconscious, that now I feel like I can’t do it anymore.

This is just a phase, I know.  It’s time to take action, and I’m doing it right now.  Next time I’m back, I’ll be counting down the days again.

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